My dear friends,
I am sorry I left you without saying good bye but I had to go, I had to grow.
You may not be aware of it but times have been tough for me. I haven't told you and you may not have noticed it but I was struggling and losing battles. I was losing against the enemy who never sleeps and keeps attacking me. I was losing myself... or was I?
I feel like I never really found myself. I didn't really know who I was, what I wanted and who I was supposed to be in God's eyes. Besides, some real stuff happened to me. You know my life is a movie, and it was turning into a real horror story. It basically was as if I was running for my life but didn't know who to trust and where to go.
On top of that, I was mentally wounded and spiritually exhausted. I was trapped and at some point of time, I really considered letting myself rest in the sunken place.
I hit rock bottom and I was thinking to my discouraged self "I am too lazy and not motivated enough to even try to stand back up".
In the meantime, I did I really care about myself and about others anymore. I was just wondering how low I could go.
This is how bad it got for me. But when I went away from you, I was just listening to a piece of advice I was given: "Just do you." This could have been a good one but... How was I supposed to "do me" when I didn't know who the heck I was?
So, I went and tried it anyway. It was okay in the beginning. I was good, following my heart. Then, things started to change. I didn’t feel right where I was.
I was depressed, for about a year. My family situation and my difficulties to find a job didn't help.
That was a mess. I was a mess. I was not good to be around because I might have dragged you down with me. I was bad vibes and didn't want to bring this kind of energy to my people. I was cool with loving you from a distance.
No, I have never stopped loving you. I mean you are my friends, you are trapped in my heart guys. Good luck to escape though.
So I walked away for me, because I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. My mental health was shaky and to be honest, I was ashamed of it. I mean, we are Black people and in our culture, depression is a stigma. We don't talk about it because it is not supposed to exist.
My mother taught me to stay quiet and handle all of these emotions in silence because showing my vulnerability was not an option. Therefore, I did because I'm a real dude (je suis un bonhomme un peu non? Bon.)
I got a little weak for life kept throwing Muhammad Ali's phantom punches in my face. I was knocked down but I stood up and kept fighting like a champ.
Do I feel better now? I do. It could be worse. Actually it has been worse. I am not 100% my best self either, I still have a lot of work to do but you know, I'm on the way.
I hope you are not mad or feel any type of way about this. I had to ghost you for a little while, for my own health. I was too proud and ashamed to seek help and since Heaven is a better place, I was looking forward to going there as soon as possible. I didn't want to do this life thing anymore. I thought I was done but God was not. Seriously, all glory to Thee for He sustained and supported me the whole time. Thank. You. Lord.
I wanted to apologize for giving you no life updates or for acting very cold when you tried to stay in touch with me. I am aware you were trying to help and that you cared but my heart and soul were closed. An yeah, social anxiety kicked in too. I am sorry if you felt left behind and if I wasn't there when you needed me. I hope you haven't forgotten the times we shared together and the love we have for each other.
Looking forward to seeing you soon, Yours sincerely, Your friend, Tracy