Little Guide For A Happy & Quiet Depression

Updated: May 5

Tired of all these people who try to get you out of your depression? Reclaim your right to live a happy and quiet depression! Follow these few steps and your mental health will never get better :

1. Cut the ties with everyone but stay available for discussions in order to make everybody think that you're okay. If you stop having conversations with people, they will eventually notice that something is wrong with you and will be looking forward to helping you.

2. Keep saying that you are fine. The more you will say it, the more you will believe it and therefore stay in denial of your breakdown.

3. Keep doing the things you used to do (go to work, do your regular leisure activities). First of all, you don’t want to mess up with your pockets; second of all, you don’t want anybody to question your mental health and worst, to come over to your house for an intervention.

4. If someone asks for news - yes because, eventually, one or two fellows will notice that something is going on - don't act like you are bothered that they care. Talk to them nicely instead. They don’t really care, they just want to check out just to say that they reached out to you.

5. When you are not in a talkative mood - which means all the time when you're depressed - use the following strategy: divert the conversation. People don't really want to know about you and you don't want to talk about yourself either. Ask them about themselves. How is work? How is your love life? Tell them something about their hobbies. They will get lost in their own interests, forgetting what the discussion initially was about. Human beings are self-centered; use it at your advantage.

6. Don't hesitate to use emojis in your conversations. It will save you writing time and make people feel like you are in a positive spiral.

7. Tell people what they want to hear. Demagogy is key. You don’t want to cause people to feel how bad you are. You can’t be out there spreading negative vibes. Keep it to yourself.

8. Have your day when everybody else is sleeping. You need to have a vampire lifestyle. If you can. Your day will go faster when you sleep most part of it.

9. Do not delete your social media accounts. I know it's tempting but don't. People could notice you want to disappear and sabotage your plans.

10. Do not stay too much on social media: you know your life is not that interesting. However, you need to come back once in a while just to show that you are still alive. One picture will reassure people and allow them to go back to their own way-more-interesting-than-yours life.

11. Do not post corny messages on the Internet, people could read between the lines and you would blow up your cover.

12. Do not hesitate to go on social media to read what people think about you. You need to read these comments stating how lame you are as a regular reminder of the reason why you should indeed be depressed.

13. Kick out of your life the people you love but in a friendly way. Tell them you need space or some "me" time when you actually need their love and support. Eventually, they will go. If they come back to you, reiterate the same action and precise that YOU will contact them next time.

14. Do not seek help anywhere; you could end up getting better. No family member, no friend, no colleague, no health professional or church member should know how you really feel deep inside.

15. Do not go out and meet people, it could give you back the desire to keep living.

16. Avoid toddlers at all costs. These little creatures smell like love, life and cuddles.

17. Remind yourself every day how bad you are and how terrible your situation is. There is no way out, remember that. Your efforts are vain. Nobody loves you by the way. You don't care about yourself so why should others? You are a beautiful little failure. Stick to it.

18. Keep everything private. You don’t need to talk to people. They don’t get you and don’t care about what you have to say.

19. Stay in bed as much as you can, do not go out. What would you go out for? Nobody is expecting you there. Stay in your lane.

20. Be a loner. You need nobody by your side. No one wants to be by your side anyway. Remember that you are lonely and that nobody can understand you so no one can love you.

If you follow all these steps, there’s no reason for you not to have a happy and quiet depression. Nobody will care about you anymore and you will be free to be as lonely, miserable and insecure as you want.

On a serious note…

(Illustration by Nicholle Kobi)

I have put together all these rules because this is what I have been doing when I was depressed. I can sadly say that I have had a successful depression, notably because I couldn’t find anybody who cared enough to tell me to stand up.

By the grace of God, things are better for me now and I just wanted to share my experience so that people who are depressed do the opposite of what I did and don’t fall in such a terrible circle.

Moreover, I wanted people to know that this is not because you see a snap or a tweet of someone that this person is fine. If you care, go and see your friends, keep taking news from them even if they appear to be fine. It’s one thing to say that you’re fine and another to mean it.

For those who are depressed, please go and seek help. You have to put your pride and shame aside and realize that you need help. No, you are not supposed to feel that bad and yes, they are people who care. Everybody has their own struggles but that doesn’t mean that you have to face yours alone. We are 7 billion people on the earth; don’t you think there is at least one person who has got love for you? There is. Please seek help. Call help centers, go see a therapist, go to Church, have interviews with the Pastor... Just do something. And please, shut down this devilish voice telling you that you will not overcome. You will. If I did it, you can do it too because I am not better than you.

Finding God and having a closer relationship with Him changed everything for me. He helped me to figure out who I was for Him: His daughter, someone who was wonderfully made, someone He loves and cares about. He gave me the strength and courage to move forward. God is good guys and He wants you to understand and remember this: whatever you are facing, know that you've got this, because Jesus has got you.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." – Isaiah 41:10

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